Life has a way of turning toward a path without warning.   An email came one night last week and I learned that a friend’s husband has had a recurrence of lymphoma, a disease he thought he had seen the last of four years ago.  He and his family have begun coping with these new realities after he made an emergency visit to an optometrist to have a small sac examined that had formed under one eye and he was sent immediately to an ophthalmologist to confirm the diagnosis of lymphoma.

Cancer sets you off in a whirl of thoughts, confusion and fears of being overwhelmed and being overtaken by a disease that often arrives with little warning and brings with it a dark sense of foreboding.  Managing the fearful diagnosis of cancer is but the first of many transitions that will be faced by cancer patients and their family members.  

I myself have been free of cancer now for over five years; the diagnosis in my case was papillary cell carcinoma – fancy medical terminology for a type of thyroid cancer. I remember the details of the story as it evolved: the first time a doctor felt around my throat with his probing fingers and noticed a nodule; the look on the pathologist’s face as she came back into the exam room after conducting a fine needle biopsy of the nodule. I knew by her expression – kindness and compassion so evident in her eyes – that the news would not be good.  I recall phoning my boss that morning to say that I had just come from the hospital with a cancer diagnosis and would be returning to the office a bit late.  I took myself out to breakfast that day, eating absentmindedly and pretending to “read” the newspaper while my mind raced ahead into an uncertain future, questions tumbling over each other as I tried to adjust my thinking.

The first battle to be won with any cancer diagnosis is an attitudinal one; learning to wrap your mind around a changed reality and a new day that has dawned without your consent.  “I have cancer” is hard to even say aloud the first few times.  The words stick in your throat because they seem so foreign and unimaginable.  Me?  I have cancer?  The mind rebels and protests in denial, the first stage of the transition process, on your way toward acceptance.

Cancer, and any other major illness, is a personal journey that includes many people but, paradoxically, can make you feel alone.  In the dark hours of the morning before the world awakened, I often lay in bed wondering what had happened; had I done something to create the conditions for a cancer to grow?  How would this turn out? Would I recover fully?   I dug out all the books I had read on holistic health, seeking comfort and inspiration as I devoured them again.  I researched everything I could find about papillary cell carcinoma and, to my relief, I learned that it has a long history and an established protocol of treatment that my doctor advocated for us to follow.  I rejoiced in the wisdom and experience of the medical teams that began to surround me – nurses, radiologists, oncology technicians, and even the secretaries who efficiently and compassionately oversaw the scheduling functions.  Smiling faces, caring eyes and ready laughs were welcome and important parts of my days.

Telling my children the news was the hardest challenge; having ramped up my education on the subject, I wove what I had learned into the most positive story I could share.  I said that while the news was not welcome, it was also not a cause for alarm or panic.  I had a very treatable cancer, I was blessed that it had been caught in its early stage and that the treatment was well established.  I shared what my doctors told me, that I would “die of old age, rather than from this cancer.” I meant it, and the sincerity in my voice led one of my sons to share that he “appreciated how” I had told him about the cancer. I took strength from these conversations, and as I reassured others, I reassured myself. 

I had surgery to remove my thyroid gland two months after the initial diagnosis; it was a short procedure, requiring only one night in the hospital and a week of recuperation before returning to work. I had ablation therapy a few months later in which radioactive iodine was introduced into my body after following a low iodine diet for two weeks.  Thyroid cancer cells happen to love iodine, a lethal poison, and after being deprived of it for two weeks, they will vigorously seek it out and attach themselves to it.  This deadly game of hide and seek seemed to me a very fitting and just outcome, and I enjoyed the mental image of cancer cells being destroyed by their very own lustful propensities.

For each of the next two years, I had this same procedure, and each time no new cancer cells were uncovered.  I breathed a deep sigh of relief each time when the tests came back negative and I felt life was more beautiful than ever.  This is one of the gifts of cancer, or of any life threatening illness: to appreciate each day with fresh eyes and a spirit of deep gratitude.  Life is good and you know it without question.

My friend’s husband has begun writing a blog – reaching out to loving friends and colleagues around the country for support and to share information as his journey proceeds.  The power of support, coupled with technology that makes it possible to convey updates in real time, allows for sharing humorous and sorrowful moments alike, and for the patient to receive life-giving companionship, empathy and emotional support.  It is powerful medicine, strengthening him and those who are walking alongside, as he navigates this regrettably familiar terrain. The website he is using is www.blogspot.com, but there is also www.caringbridge.com.

Facing cancer is a spiritual journey that takes us by surprise, and brings with it the seeds of a renewed love for life, and plumbs previously unsuspected reserves in us for courage, hope and resilience.  I am reminded of the wise words of Rabbi Ben Hei Hei when he wrote about the purpose of life, as…

“We are here to do, and through doing to learn; and through learning to know, and through knowing to experience wonder; and through wonder to attain wisdom,  and through wisdom to find simplicity; and through simplicity to give attention, and through attention to see what needs to be done.”

My dearest friend Mary is 84 years old this month.  She has lived a long and productive life, met her share of hardships and overcome obstacles that might have made others shrink into a fetal position.  Her secret to living well and enjoying life includes a combination of faith, her belief in guardian angels that have protected her since birth, a droll sense of humor, and a patient determination to succeed. 

Mary and I met when I was teaching an undergraduate psychology class at a local university.   She came up to me on the first day of class holding a tape recorder and explained that she was legally blind and asked if I would mind if she recorded the lectures.  I readily agreed and our relationship got underway.    She was in her late forties at the time, and finished that degree program with an almost perfect 4.0 and went on to a different university to earn a Master’s degree, with the same result.   

Right from the start, Mary and I began to discover the roots of a remarkable bond that exists between us and has endured for more than 30 years.   One day I was reading a psychology exam to her and Mary broke down crying.  She told me that her husband had just been diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease and she felt overwhelmed and afraid.   I told her that my father was ill with the very same condition and was undergoing weekly physical therapy to stay limber and able to walk without falling. I advised Mary to get her spouse into physical therapy as soon as she could; she took that advice and later credited that decision with helping her husband maintain the ability to walk for longer than he might have otherwise.  

Mary is Greek and I am of Italian descent; we delight in the fact that both her parents and my grandparents were immigrants to America.  Each of our families of origin was large and we had both experienced family holidays, for example, with 50 or 60 people crowded together who sat down to meals that were noisy, lively and delicious.  The Greek and Italian cultures are Mediterranean, sharing a love of tomatoes, olives and olive oil, music, wine and fellowship; they are cultures where family solidarity and gossip reside comfortably with one another.   We have regaled each other with story after story of growing up in these families, often nodding in understanding as we laughed and sometimes cried together. 

As close friends often discover, we think of one another and when we call, we hear the words, ‘I was just thinking of you!’  It was uncanny at first, but we have gotten used to it and regard it as a special telepathy that links our minds and our loving hearts.

This past year Mary injured her back, and spent the summer recuperating in a rehabilitation unit of a local nursing home.  I began visiting her twice a week and then every other day, and we soon had accumulated layers of rich conversations that deepened our knowledge of one another, and affirmed our place of importance in each other’s lives.  It has been a wonderful gift – a journey of personal growth made with love and trust.

In the fall, at the age of 83, Mary retired.  She is now selling her home and will soon be entering an assisted living facility nearby.  As with so many of her other dear friends, I have accompanied her on each step of this journey and I have been learning from Mary, a Master Teacher, how to navigate these inevitable transitions of life with dignity, humor and grace.  The other day Mary was searching for a sticky note on which she had written some needed information and she muttered,  “I will tell you what: when I meet God after I die, I am going to tell Him that I want normal eyes next time!” We laughed together at the comic sense she uses to diffuse her frustration, and to keep things in perspective.  

At the end of our lives, I believe we will all remember most those whom we have loved and who have, blessedly, loved us back. Mary is high on that list for me.  We have exchanged the roles of teacher and student throughout our years together, and it has been an amazing odyssey of the heart, the mind and the spirit.  I thought of us and smiled when I recently read this quote, “Life’s dearest gifts are the gifts of the heart.”  (Elizabeth Beck)  Thank you, Mary.  I love you.

Pray, sleep and eat healthy.  Those were the three cards I drew this morning as I meditated on how best to write my final blog post for 2011.  I sometimes use a set of inspirational cards created by Doreen Virtue, Ph.D., to seek guidance.  The cards are titled “Saints and Angels” and contain many angelic figures as well as saintly ones whose lives are inspirational.  I posed my question, shuffled the deck, and drew the top three cards each bearing one of those words -  pray, sleep and eat healthy.

At first I thought, ‘Well that seems sensible enough advice to write about’ but as I continued meditating it occurred to me that the most sensible recommendations are often the ones that need reinforcement.  After all, we know that we should eat healthy foods and sleep at least 7-8 hours each night, and most of us have followed a prayer practice since we were children.  Yet, we continue to allow our motivation to wax and wane.  Time passes and we discover that weeks have turned into months and it’s been so long since we had a good night’s sleep, or a decent fresh meal, or prayed in quiet solitude that we feel out of sorts about it.   So, dear reader, indulge me and keep on reading…you can probably use the reminders.

Pray.  The world needs our prayers as well as we do.  Prayer is extremely effective in bringing about the changes we want to see in our world. When you pray, pray from your heart and don’t be concerned about the words you use.  Send your prayers heavenward and be unattached to the outcome for your prayers may not be answered in quite the way you hope.  For example, a good friend of mine prayed that he would get a job he had interviewed for and deeply desired.  He was hired and, within six months, was fired.   There were serious, hidden problems within the company’s management team; in retrospect, he ended up feeling glad to be relieved of his duties.   Within a month he had regained his old position back at his former employer, a place where he felt appreciated and where his talents were put to good use.  His prayer had been answered contained within a significant life lesson.  He learned that the thing we desire is not always the thing we truly need.  He learned to trust the process and that, ultimately, all things work for the greatest good.

Sleep.  Getting a good night’s sleep depends on many elements:  a room that is dark, quiet,  cool and free of distractions enough to allow the natural process of sleep to occur for 7-8 hours. Sleep is a restorative activity; it brings balance and renewed energy to our daily activities.  Most Americans are sleep deprived; as a result, their physical vigor is sapped, and mental acuity is depleted.  A sleep cycle of adequate length also contains REM time (rapid eye movement) thought to be important to our emotional well being and balance.  Sleep is fragile so treat it with the care and attention it deserves.  Make a sanctuary of your bedroom so that it is associated with rest, relaxation, sexual intimacy and love if you are in a relationship, and a quiet place where there is no TV or blaring sounds to intrude on your inner peace.   You will be rewarded with a regular pattern of sleep that heals you from the cares of the day and eases your mind and body into a state of soothing restfulness.  You will awaken ready for the new day feeling at your best and in harmony with the flow of the world around you.

Eat healthy food.  Eating organic and fresh produce, drinking ample water during each day, and avoiding chemical-laden foods and beverages will increase the radiant health of your body, mind and spirit. Being fit and healthy will enable you to pursue the dreams and goals you desire in order to fulfill your life purpose.  We have often heard the expression, “You are what you eat” and we know that it is more than cute folklore; it is the real science of nutrition and health, the cornerstone of a lifestyle that takes care of the whole person that you are.  I often give thanks for having been raised in an Italian home where great food was an everyday experience; and not just great tasting food but food made with love and pride.  You can tell the difference!  One of my purchases in 2011 supports a healthy diet – it’s called a VITAMIX and it has enhanced and improved on an already decent diet by allowing me to mix and match veggies and fruits into delicious shakes, frosty drinks, hot soups and nourishing snacks such as fresh peanut butter spread generously on homemade yeasty bread.  Take advantage of the new gadgets and tools that enhance vibrant health and create a foundation for lifelong resiliency and a high level of wellness.

A Gratitude Board in 2012  As 2011 draws to a close, consider creating a gratitude board for the coming year.  On it place symbols of your most deeply held desires for 2012.  Using photos, words and images clipped from old magazines, create a collage of goals that speaks to your life purpose.  It should be lively, colorful, and energizing when you pass by it daily; in fact, place it in a path that you use each day so that you are continuously led to reflect on, remember and recommit to your goals.   In a women’s group that I facilitated in the spring and early summer of 2011, one of the women had placed images and words of encouragement to lose 20 pounds while restoring good physical health and exercise into her lifestyle.  When I spoke with her recently, she related being thrilled that she has lost 15pounds to date, and has purchased a tread mill so that she does not have to be outside when it’s cold, rainy or otherwise inclement weather.  She looks great and is so pleased with herself that she has genuinely mellowed out about some matters that were previously wearing her out emotionally.  Now she has a new perspective borne of self-discipline and pride in herself. 

Thank you for reading my blog, and thank you for sharing your time with me.  We exchanged being the teacher and being the student with one another and I grew because of you; for that I am grateful and I send you the warmest wishes for a wonderful holiday season and a bright New Year.

 May all that is holy and all that is beautiful bless you with abundance and grace. 

Stress is a normal part of life and is most often associated with adapting to change.  Some adaptations are healthy choices that support a life of love and inner peace, such as finding comfort in the company of good friends and loving relationships.  Other adaptations are based on unhealthy choices that bring only temporary relief from pain, such as smoking, excessive drinking or gambling.  

Choice is both a burden and a blessing, and all choices have consequences.  Making important life choices can be enlightening as you reach a deeper understanding of your heart, your soul and yourself.   When you consciously choose to engage in gratitude and forgiveness it attunes you to the voice of your heart. 

What choices will we make during the holidays if we bear a broken heart, an angry resentment, or the memory of a tragic life experience that has forever changed our world?  How can we cope with emotions such as sadness, anger, despair and a deep sense of loss?  Because we are whole human beings, managing stress and loss during the holidays takes more than simply caring for the body, as important as that is.  It is also takes attending to our spiritual and emotional needs in order to find lasting solutions, ongoing inspiration and a deep well of hope to sustain us. 

Help is available by working with health care providers who are able to offer medications to relieve some of the emotional and physical pain of our losses; they can also make referrals to other helping professionals such as life coaches, psychotherapists, yoga instructors, as well as to meditation and journal writing classes and other healing modalities in our community. 

The personal meaning that we give to the holidays is highly individual and unique and is influenced by past experiences.  Have holidays previously been times of sentimental sharing with loved ones, or have they been associated with disappointments or feelings of loneliness?  Is this holiday the first year after a significant loss?  It’s up to each of us to decide how we want the holidays to serve us – as opportunities for happiness and gratitude, or as occasions to succumb to our anger, sorrow and fears.  It is our choice.

If we choose to face the holidays with gratitude and appreciation, we will need to make plans and prepare for them as if we were preparing to go on a trip:

1.      Step One. Accept the reality of our loss and treat the past with respect – accept what has ended and honor it by talking about our feelings with trusted friends and allies, or with caring professionals trained in listening without judgment.  Find ways to honor the past in tangible actions – light a candle each day for a month leading up to the holiday in honor of the person we have lost; read his or her favorite passage from a book to inspire and comfort ourselves; prepare our loved one’s favorite meal and invite close friends over to recall favorite stories and memories while we share the pleasures of the meal.

2.      Step Two: Expect and accept the stages of grieving – denial, anger, bargaining, sadness, fear, confusion and depression.  Each person goes through grief in a unique way – not everyone feels all of these feelings intensely and some people don’t go through the process in an orderly progression. Give yourself the emotional support you need, seek and find information that can help reduce confusion, and, most of all, be kind to yourself. Act as your own best friend. Being gentle and tolerant of your needs is a gift that will strengthen you as you grieve.

3.      Step Three: Invite others to share in your holiday gatherings who genuinely want to spend time with you and who will support your holiday plans with understanding and love.  If they have a sense of humor that can be very helpful, too, because being able to laugh is as important as being able to cry.  Both can lead to tears and tears are natural healing agents that balance the body’s biochemistry.

4.      Step Four: Create new ceremonies and rituals to incorporate into your holidays. Take a piece of the old with you by creating a book of memories or poems that symbolize what you cherish from the past and then make a ritual of reading it as part of a new celebration.   Let your imagination help mend your heart by connecting you with your inner wisdom and creating new holiday traditions.

5.      Step Five: Forgive yourself and free yourself from blaming other people or judging them.  Move beyond these things and take your personal power back.  Begin cultivating a habit of knowing that life is here for you and you have the power to move on.  Your eternal spirit has always been with you and it is here with you now.  Relax and let go. Relax and trust life.  Trust yourself.  Breathe. 

"Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything -- all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart. ... Stay hungry. Stay foolish.”  

Steve Jobs during a Stanford commencement speech, June 2005

A woman recently asked me what “issue” comes up most often in life coaching, and I replied, ‘Regardless of how different the issues are, it seems to come down to the dance of love versus fear.’  She had expected a different answer, she acknowledged, and asked me to explain what I meant through an example. I told her about a woman I worked with recently who came in wanting to talk about making a career change.  In the first coaching process, it became apparent that the underlying fear of taking risks had kept her stuck in a job she disliked for the past two years.  Part of her knew she was never going to feel fulfilled in this job no matter how long she stayed, or how hard she worked, while another part of her was afraid to step closer to the edge of change by admitting it to herself.  Over the next few weeks, we explored the role of fear and how it usually exists for good reason: to help keep us safe and protect us from harm.  We talked about the importance of balancing polarities to avoid becoming paralyzed by our fears and how reasoned risk-taking is necessary for us to grow into our full potential.  She was able to move forward gradually and identify the legacy of love she wanted to commit to in a future career, to rewrite her resume with a future-orientation, and to describe her ideal job in concrete terms and begin working toward finding and making it her own through networking and an active job search process.

When Steve Jobs poignantly advised graduates to follow their hearts, to stay hungry and foolish, he was referring to learning to manage the dance of love vs. fear.  Successful people don’t always succeed on the first try; they often have to fail a few times, to look foolish in the eyes of the world, and to expose their egos and reputations to ridicule, humiliation and isolation from others.  Inner strength is required and a willingness to take risks, to exchange safety for the thrill of discovery and personal/professional growth. 

Loving ourselves is essential to loving our lives, and our work.  It was the great Lebanese poet, Kahlil Gibran, who noted that “work is love made manifest.”  Love is the antidote to fear, along with optimism and gratitude.  In the dance of love versus fear, love must lead.

My work takes me to wonderful places these days.  I visit and present workshops at spas, hospitals, therapy offices, centers of wellness and holistic health communities.  I am at home in such places because they serve peoples’ needs for balance, wellness and healing.  I had an especially pleasing visit this weekend to Harmony Farm in Tipp City, Ohio just outside of Dayton (www.harmonyfarmonline.com). 

The name is apt.  Harmony Farm is a “certified organic and biodynamic farming operation located in gently rolling hills of the Great Miami River valley.”   Farming is done intentionally to support and continuously vitalize the land to achieve its long term sustainability.  Crops on the 120 acre site include fields of experimental lavender and other energetic herbs, vibrant vegetables and organic hay.  The farm is easily admired since window walls in each of the three buildings that reside on the land offer views that are soothing and serene and enriched with pottery and sculptural art that beckons, ‘come outside.’

The name is apt for the obvious reason that the pursuit of harmony is on full display through the extensive healing arts services offered, along with educational workshops and spiritual retreats.   The founders, Bill and Barbara Brewer, “…had a vision of a wellness retreat that welcomed all people with compassion and caring.”  In 1989 they made that vision a reality, and it continues today as a peaceful, joyful place where the staff graciously nourishes visitors, helping them on their journey, and attending to their needs of the body, mind and spirit.

Looking for a place to retreat from the hustle and pressures of the modern world?  Harmony Farm offers personalized retreats for one person, or for a group of people.  There’s a labyrinth to walk, Yoga, tai chi, meditation circles, therapeutic massage, chiropractic, body treatments and energy work – it’s all here.  

Looking for a place to study and explore new ideas in the areas of health, wellness, personal enlightenment, and spirituality?  Speakers come to Harmony Farm from all corners of the globe to help satisfy the lifelong learning needs of those who seek inner peace as part of a whole and balanced life.

A place for all seasons, Harmony Farm seems to hug the land on which it rests in a reciprocal relationship that nurtures and sustains itself over time.  The architecture is stunning, the abundant art inside and outside the entire property is a feast for the eyes and the imagination.  Nearby is Tipp City’s own Coldwater Café where some of the best dining can be found prepared by an innovative and award winning chef and served by smiling, friendly waiters who seem to know all the locals who flock there in happy anticipation.

My work takes me to wonderful places these days.  You can come along.  Join me at Harmony Farm on Saturday, February 4, 2012 when I will facilitate the Intent Heals Journal workshop in this beautiful wellness retreat center.  My advice: stay overnight, get a massage, go to Coldwater for at least one meal, and savor the entire experience with someone you love.  

Forgiveness is a “gift you give yourself.”   Corrosive emotions of anger, resentment, and the desire for revenge are “toxic” to the human body and spirit. Left untended, these fester and grow in the person harboring them, gradually destroying their health, happiness and inner peace.  It was Nelson Mandela who wisely noted, during the Truth and Reconciliation hearings in South Africa that “revenge is like drinking poison and hoping it will kill your enemies.”  

Forgiveness is an act of choice and it can mean different things to different people.  It is a personal journey that can be agonizingly difficult and costly, but also transformative and healing.  It is seldom a single event and more often a process that takes place over time.  Forgiveness is an act of liberation that releases the person who has been hurt from the emotional and psychological grip of the perpetrator and lets them move on with their lives.  In this way, forgiveness is also an act of self-healing. 

Giving and receiving forgiveness may be two sides of the same coin.  When we forgive someone for injuring us, we open our heart to allow a space in which a new intentional choice can be made in order to live in peace.   Even if we never forget what happened, and never condone what was done, we can still forgive when peace is our goal.  Likewise, when we forgive ourselves for injuring someone else, it is our open heart that permits us to humbly see our own human frailty, to honestly examine our motives and to make sincere amends.   

A unique dimension of forgiveness is its relationship to time; the persons we seek to forgive, or to receive forgiveness from, may have passed away many years before.  Their presence and participation is not necessary for the gift of forgiveness to be given.   There are many such stories reported in The Forgiveness Project, a UK-based charitable organization which explores forgiveness, reconciliation and conflict resolution through the stories of real-life human experiences (www.theforgivenessproject.com)

Forgiveness and Coherent Heart Rhythms

We are often unaware of how emotions affect our bodies, our thoughts and our responses to events in our lives.  The Institute of Heart Math (www.heartmath.org) has for 18 years conducted research on heart-brain communications and found that one of the easiest ways to observe how our feelings affect us is to examine the effects on our heart rhythms.   Among the innovative tools and techniques that they have introduced, Heart Math has created a scientifically validated and patented monitoring system with software that tracks and displays heart rhythms on computer monitors.  When we feel revengeful, angry or fearful our heart rhythms are jagged like mountain tops, and irregular.  When we feel appreciation, gratitude and forgiveness, our rhythms are in a “highly ordered” or coherent pattern.  In coherence, the mind, body and emotions all operate in harmony which, in turn, leads to increased mental clarity and focus, improved decision making and a greater sense of well being.   

The Power of Heartful Intention

The Intent Heals Journal Workshop is designed to introduce people to the power of their hearts through the direct experience of intentional prayer, gratitude, forgiveness and appreciation.  Many of the world’s oldest spiritual teachings emphasize gratitude as a transformative spiritual practice that brings awareness of the amazing gifts and blessings present in our lives.  In the workshop, we are led to discover that happiness and inner peace are generated from the inside-out, rather than from the material or external world.  And daily use of the Journal is one of the quickest and most direct paths to restoring balance and harmony in our lives that, in turn, fosters more gratitude and appreciation.  

There is power in writing the names of those we appreciate, along with acts of kindness, beauty, giving blessings, or praying for a troubled part of the world - all enhance our sense of well being and bring a deep feeling of connectedness to fellow human beings around the world.  As we give thanks and feel gratitude in our hearts it serves to remind us that each day is a gift unto itself and we are prompted to ask ourselves, “How do I choose to live today? What will I pay attention to today? How shall I choose peace over anger today? How can I help heal myself and others today?”